Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we're making bets on your personal life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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