I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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