I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
