so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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