I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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