On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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