I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
