I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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