Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
