Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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