I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
