I wish I could teleport
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
