He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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