Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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