im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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