i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
