I wish I could punch you in the face.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
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By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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