I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
