a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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