you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
