Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
