Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
