I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
