I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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