this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
