i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
