i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
