You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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