I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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