I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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