Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
