if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I did not marry a roomba.
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