Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
