If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
