you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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