every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
