i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
