I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
