Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
