Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
