I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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