sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
