Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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