I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
