I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
