so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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