I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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