Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
