i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
