His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
