I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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