Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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