I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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