he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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