Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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