Already got asked if we're dating
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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