how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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