I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
