Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
