We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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