When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
