i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
