Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
